If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin