“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
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It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I think this cat is broken
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.