Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Pass gas, not judgment.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.