I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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🤣🤣🤣
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
is this how new cars are made??
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.