Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
You Might Also Like
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
english majors be like furthermore
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
🍞🦆
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon