My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
The Sun
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.