My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams