[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
This could’ve been an email.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
This is a sub tweet
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.