[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
They did not miss in the small print
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Seems kinda suspicious
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.