New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.