Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
work smarter, not harder
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]