*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate