astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain