When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.