@Jade_VK: I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
@Jade_VK: FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
@Jade_VK: [alarm clock goes off]
ok it's happening again
it's a day and it's here again
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
@Jade_VK: Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
@Jade_VK: "This soup was so good I wish I could just...NOMCRNCHNCH"
"There must be a better way!"
-Inventing the bread bowl
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk...
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.