When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Yeah. This was me today.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.