Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
happy valentine’s day to me
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
SCARY COSTUME
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves