Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.