“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”