Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.