Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Sooo many times…..
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant