Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.