I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My whole life was a lie.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
peeping toms
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
When someone says you are so lazy
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door