[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.