I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
They did not miss in the small print
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Bike for sale
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.