Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jake_Vig's best tweets

@Jake_Vig : GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin' up there? MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today... GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That's great. How 'bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

@Jake_Vig: The best way to let someone know you don't like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

@Jake_Vig: I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we're in some kind of a gang or something.

@Jake_Vig: The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

@Jake_Vig: Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

@Jake_Vig: Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking "I guess I was wrong about people."

@Jake_Vig: Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he's trying to make phone calls and work.

@Jake_Vig: Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

@Jake_Vig: I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@Jake_Vig: Someone just gave the agenda for the "third half" of our meeting. Guessing it won't involve fractions.