Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jake_Vig's best tweets

@Jake_Vig : A local supermarket. A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?” The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

@Jake_Vig: If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

@Jake_Vig: I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

@Jake_Vig: Name fifty reasons you think I'm too demanding.

@Jake_Vig: [crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@Jake_Vig: SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!


SUPER-VILLAIN: What's that now?

HERO: I'm in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn't really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I'll get my stuff

@Jake_Vig: When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click "Other" and write "I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together."

@Jake_Vig: If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you're boycotting something.

@Jake_Vig: New trend:


It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

@Jake_Vig: If you see a chameleon, it’s a terrible chameleon.