@Jake_Vig: In every artist's depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there's always one T-Rex looking up at it like "That can’t be good."
@Jake_Vig: Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
@Jake_Vig: VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
@Jake_Vig: A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
@Jake_Vig: I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
@Jake_Vig: [crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?