Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jake_Vig's best tweets

@Jake_Vig : DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating? ME: Mostly cholesterol.

@Jake_Vig: The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

@Jake_Vig: If taking off your pants doesn't solve your problems, get different problems.

@Jake_Vig: It's not an argument. I'm right, and you're just saying things.

@Jake_Vig: Couples are the worst, followed closely by single people.

@Jake_Vig: The pottery scene in "Ghost," except you're slowly but steadily pushing the other person's face into the clay.

@Jake_Vig: When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with "That is accurate."

@Jake_Vig: What I say: "Agree to disagree"

What I really mean: "You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way"

@Jake_Vig: "Do as many squats as you feel like, I don't want to get involved."

- impersonal trainer