Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jake_Vig's best tweets

@Jake_Vig : SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable! HERO: Ok SUPER-VILLAIN: What's that now? HERO: I'm in SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn't really prepared for you to accept. HERO: My therapist said to try new things SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward HERO: I'll get my stuff

@Jake_Vig: When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click "Other" and write "I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together."

@Jake_Vig: If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you're boycotting something.

@Jake_Vig: New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

@Jake_Vig: If you see a chameleon, it’s a terrible chameleon.

@Jake_Vig: GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin' up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today...

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That's great. How 'bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

@Jake_Vig: The best way to let someone know you don't like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

@Jake_Vig: I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we're in some kind of a gang or something.

@Jake_Vig: The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

@Jake_Vig: Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.