Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jake_Vig's best tweets

@Jake_Vig : There are two kinds of people. Try not to be either one of them.

@Jake_Vig: In every artist's depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there's always one T-Rex looking up at it like "That can’t be good."

@Jake_Vig: Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@Jake_Vig: I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@Jake_Vig: VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

@Jake_Vig: A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

@Jake_Vig: If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

@Jake_Vig: I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

@Jake_Vig: Name fifty reasons you think I'm too demanding.

@Jake_Vig: [crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?