It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I’m going to need a moment here.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
goldfish mafia
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*