[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.