Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Phones down.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.