Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
You Might Also Like
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born