Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.