If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
You Might Also Like
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
absolutely not