Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jandalize's best tweets

@Jandalize : Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should've told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@Jandalize: What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

@Jandalize: Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

@Jandalize: Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@Jandalize: Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

@Jandalize: He called me an angel but I'm pretty sure he meant angle because I'm always right.

@Jandalize: She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@Jandalize: The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@Jandalize: Why don't we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?