Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jandalize's best tweets

@Jandalize : Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you're craving hay with sugar on top.

@Jandalize: Of course I'm a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@Jandalize: Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

@Jandalize: If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

@Jandalize: My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there's no one left to support me.

@Jandalize: People who say 'be careful what you wish for' have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@Jandalize: Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

@Jandalize: I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

@Jandalize: Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don't have jobs and the money was probably mine.

@Jandalize: Sometimes it's hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don't have a job.