Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jandalize's best tweets

@Jandalize : He called me an angel but I'm pretty sure he meant angle because I'm always right.

@Jandalize: She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@Jandalize: The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@Jandalize: Why don't we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

@Jandalize: I'm sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

@Jandalize: My Indian name is dances without coordination.

@Jandalize: I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

@Jandalize: I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I'll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

@Jandalize: Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you're craving hay with sugar on top.