This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.