He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.