Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jarhead44's best tweets

@Jarhead44 : Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

@Jarhead44: I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

@Jarhead44: If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

@Jarhead44: My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

@Jarhead44: I don't know this guy, but it looks like opening day of zucchini season.

@Jarhead44: I've always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I've had him about an hour now.

Anyway..... Monkey for Sale.

@Jarhead44: If you're not following me and received this tweet, it's because someone is smarter than you.

@Jarhead44: I'll give you 10 seconds to take back what you said about my wind chimes.

@Jarhead44: I apologize to everyone that I've ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

@Jarhead44: If I win the Powerball, I'm going to make golf illegal.