Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jarhead44's best tweets

@Jarhead44 : My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

@Jarhead44: I don't really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

@Jarhead44: "Grandpa, I can't stop thinking about Santa's sack."

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

@Jarhead44: I don't know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

@Jarhead44: Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

@Jarhead44: Me: I heard it's 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I'm going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

@Jarhead44: Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

@Jarhead44: I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

@Jarhead44: If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

@Jarhead44: My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.