If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
United Steaks of America
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*limbos away from your hug*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.