I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
You Might Also Like
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Best seat on the street 😍
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.