Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
the composer
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.