@JasonLastname: [sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
"Oh I'm so sorry."
Don't be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
@JasonLastname: If Edgar Allen Poe didn't have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
@JasonLastname: First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I'll do in the air.
@JasonLastname: I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
@JasonLastname: It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
@JasonLastname: Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
@JasonLastname: [Batman's parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?