The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Life is a suicide mission.
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Perfection.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.