Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie