murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
also my go-to takeaway order
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.