Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys