Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone