I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.