My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
okay run it by me one more time
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.