A leaf blower, but for people.
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Can’t, holding a grudge
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.