Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
You Might Also Like
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.