*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.