Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Note to self: I am a note
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean