One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.