The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Bike for sale
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting