Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Hank is one in a melon.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Science memes
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering