Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Human are so complicated
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer