Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
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Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?